When challenged with having a difficult conversation, many people simply do not know how to approach the situation. This is why I have developed the Unbridled Conversations Framework to provide you with a road map for navigating these conversations.
Centre
It is key that you stay in charge of yourself, your purpose and your emotional energy throughout any Unbridled Conversations. Breathe, centre and notice when you become off centre and choose to return to the centre again. This is where your power lies. By choosing the calm, centred state, you’ll help the person you are speaking with to be more centred, too. Centring is not a step; centring is how you are as you take the steps.
Step #1: Clarity
Be clear on the reason for the conversation and the outcome that you desire. Most Unbridled Conversations falter because there is a lack of clarity about the real issue. Get to the root cause and focus on this matter rather than the symptoms that might be showing. Consider how the behaviour you are addressing is impacting the team and the business. Remember, this is not about you, so ensure that you control your emotions and approach the conversation in such a way that you do not contaminate it with unconscious feelings or mixed body language. (For most people, this means doing some preparation work in anticipation of the Unbridled Conversation).
Step #2: Curiosity
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pretend you don’t know anything (you really don’t) and learn as much as possible about the other person and their point of view. Pretend you’re entertaining a visitor from another country, and find out how things are for them in that place; how certain events affect the other person, and what their values and priorities are.
Watch for their body language and listen for unspoken energy as well. What do they really want? What are they not saying? Let the person talk until they are finished. Don’t interrupt except to acknowledge. Whatever you hear, don’t take it personally. It’s not really about you. Learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. You’ll get your turn, but don’t rush things.
Step #3: Coherent
Coherent means showing that you’ve heard and understood. Try to understand the other person so well you can make their argument for them. Then do it. Repeat back to them what you heard so you can ensure you fully understood what they said. Guess at their hopes and honour their position. They will not change unless they see that you see where they stand. Then they might. No guarantees.
Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. It’s fine; it just is. You can decide later how to address it. For example, if you are in an argument with a friend, you might say: “I notice I’m becoming defensive, and I think it’s because your voice just got louder and sounded angry. I just want to talk about this topic. I’m not trying to persuade you in either direction.” The acknowledgement helps both parties to re-centre.
Acknowledgement can be difficult if we associate it with an agreement. Keep them separate. Saying, “this sounds really important to you,” doesn’t mean I’m going to go along with your decision.
Step #4: Congruent
When you sense the other person has expressed all their energy on the topic, it’s your turn. What can you see from your perspective that they’ve missed? Help clarify your position without minimizing theirs. For example: “From what you’ve told me, I can see how you concluded that I’m not a team player. I think I am. When I introduce problems within a project, I think about its long-term success. I don’t mean to be a critic, though perhaps I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to address these issues so that my intention is clear.”
Step #5: Co-create Closure
Now you’re ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful here. Ask the other person what they think might work. Whatever they say, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry. Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates a sense of safety and encourages them to engage. If you’ve been successful in centring, adjusting your attitude and engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions will be easy.
I urge you to use this framework for any difficult conversations that you need to have rather than sticking your head in the sand and avoiding the issue and hoping it will go away.